A cringe worthy performance

Sorry to break it to you, but you can't chase your dreams while avoiding vulnerability.

while chasing your dreams, don’t forget to enjoy the little moments too.

Dear reader,

In all my years of performing and playing music (a little over 3 years?), I have had several cringe worthy performances. Me being the rookie I am, thought those moments were past me, having had a few recent “good” months of building my confidence up.

But alas, I found myself last week playing a new song I finished just a day before, and completely butchering it to the point where I just skipped ahead to the second half of the song where I knew how to play it better—maybe there is a reason for practice after all. Que the pitty claps and “you’re so brave for trying something new.” Luckily, I played a song after that I felt more confident with, ending on a better note. *pun intended.

I lingered after the set, had some wonderful conversation, and walked out of there with my head held high getting a few head nods from passerby’s who witnessed the officially deemed cringe performance.

Over a very late and cold dinner of leftover turkey burgers and kettle corn, I started to think about what life would be like if I wasn’t pursuing music. Would it be easier? Would I be happy? Probably would get a lot more sleep. I could take up something comforting like knitting.

But the thing is, I have been here before. I have deeply questioned if what I was doing in my life was worth it. I gave up serving in the military. I gave up growing my health business. I left a complete identity behind. But it wasn’t to go retreat back into a safe little bubble and never put myself out there again. No, I immediately jumped into one of the most vulnerable spaces I personally could ever put myself in, the music industry.

With this realization, I remembered why I started and why I still do it. Music really didn’t feel like a choice, it felt like something I was meant to go do—whether to grow as an artist or to lead me to the next chapter in my life, I’m not sure yet.

It was a nagging feeling, one that I could not ignore even with my strongest rationale.

Does something come to mind for you when I say that?

I’m willing to bet that the act of not pursuing music, not doing, not knowing, not experiencing, would’ve felt 100000x worse than being vulnerable and putting myself out there.

I guess that’s what it comes down to. You can’t really pursue anything outside your comfort bubble without the vehicle of vulnerability to get you to the next destination.

Vulnerability has been seen as a sign of weakness, thankfully there has been more dialogue around it actually being an indicator of strength.

To me, being vulnerable means I am choosing something better for myself by actively stepping outside the comfort of my walls—to grow, learn, and achieve if I’m lucky enough.

Do I like sucking in front of strangers? Absolutely not. But—I do love that down the road I’ll have one less regret and probably some really amazing memories.

I gave myself the night to feel all the things and then the next morning I picked up my guitar and practiced that same song. I actually ended up reworking it and liking it a bit more. So maybe some good did come from this.

So here’s a rough voice memo the morning after the infamous cringe worthy performance. An act of vulnerability it is to share with you, my dear reader. I can only hope it inspires you to embrace vulnerability in your own way.

unwelcome guest - unreleased / demo

Ive been walking on a tight rope

But I’ve got friends talking me down

Im a ghost haunting this town

You don’t see me but I see you

Ive been waiting to fly south

But something keeps me waiting around

Im a ghost haunting this town

You don’t see me but I see you

You’re an unwelcome guest

Haunting halls of my heart

Don’t you know I tried to forget

Some days are better than none

You’re an unwelcome guest

But im the ghost haunting this town

You don’t see me but I see you

You’re an unwelcome guest

But im the ghost haunting this town

You don’t see me but I see you

Don’t you know I tried to forget

Some days are better than none

You’re an unwelcome guest

But im the ghost haunting this town

You don’t see me but I see you

All the love,

Rosemary